HUMOUR ADVICE SELF LIFE
And practical ways to avoid them.
It all began with my bicycle.
Riding to work in the mornings is one of my favourite times, there is nothing quite as exhilarating as risking your life weaving and dodging your bicycle through the billions of scooters bleary-eyed, half asleep, in the 30-degree heat. Even if you don’t sweat, you are just as likely to get splashed by a puddle, covered in dust or both, and will still arrive filthy.
Imagine my glee when one of our company owners kindly told me there are showers — multiple showers!! (That no one uses…)
‘With big white fluffy towels’
From that day forth, I began the sometimes hazardous practice of showering in the workplace.
Showering at work is not the same as washing at home, there are things to look out for, dangers you may not have considered. You will only triumph in this field if you have correctly prepared. So here I am to bestow upon you all that I have learnt so that you too can safely enjoy the revolutionary activity that is cleanliness…
‘Ewwwww you get naked at work — that’s weird’.
This statement must be overcome, try not to think about it, put it to the back of your mind so you can properly concentrate on the task at hand.
1. Door Locking.
The simple act of locking the door is imperative!
Once in slow motion, as all horrific things always unfold, I saw the handle move. Instead of stopping as it reached a 45-degree angle, it continued. There I was standing naked in the shower with nothing to protect me but my bloodcurdling screech. I would suggest neurotically checking the handle multiple times before committing to any kind of clothing removal.
2. Your Towel.
Don’t forget it, because if you do, I guarantee that will be the one day, for the first and only time in four years that there is no towel in the bathroom, and now you are forced to dry yourself with your sweaty cycling attire.
3. Your Knickers (and outfit).
Similarly to your towel, an essential part of your showering practice is clean things for you to use or wear after the shower.
Towels, knickers, outfit are all critical to a successful and joyful experience.
I would suggest as I do, to keep a spare outfit in your cupboard.
4. Lizard Poop.
Perhaps ‘hazard’ is a bit of a stretch, but my goodness does it get into everything.
Doesn’t matter how many casings you put things in; you will still always find some rogue poops that are hanging out at the bottom waiting to insert themselves behind your fingernails…
I am yet to solve this problem; I can only warn you of the danger. (PS. Before anyone suggests it — no I cannot kill the lizards)
5. Low Water Pressure.
Trickery. You turn it on; it makes all the right noises, then the pathetic dribble emerges.
How the f*ck you are going to get all of that soap out of your hair?
Whatever part of you is the most filth covered must be your primary objective. That way if the water does run out entirely, hopefully, objective number one will already be complete. If the shower continues to function, at this low pressure, there is a technique. You got to take that showerhead into your hand, and you have to show it whos in charge, get that wrist action going and aggressively flick it, that flicking motion helps to expel the water at a reasonable pace thus enabling you to wash.
6. No Water.
The day I closed the door of the shower room, conducted my multiple door lock checks only to find the water had been turned off, was a sad day.
Keep a supply of dry shampoo and wet wipes as an emergency alternative. There is no denying you will still feel filthy and disgusting, mainly because you are, but at least you have gone some way to disguise this with some cheap fragrance and synthetic cleanser.
7. Someone else is using the shower room.
First of all — HOW DARE THEY!
You have to state your claim. Make sure it’s obvious to any of those predatory humans that might try to steal your special room that is not theirs for the taking.
8. Someone else is using the shower room to make a phone call for a really long time.
Not OK. Hammer aggressively on the door if the phonecall exceeds three minutes. Bathrooms are not for phone calls. Get out!
Someone without a shadow of a doubt will be the biggest douche canoe in douche town, and your conversation will go something like:
‘What if there are cameras?’
‘Don’t be silly of course there are no cameras’
Secretly your brain is now going f*ck what if there are….
I mean there are cameras all around the rest of the building, it’s possible.
Cue systematic disassembly of the bathroom, searching maniacally for the spy equipment; almost certain to be hidden in the shower head, yes the shower head, takes apart shower head, nope not in there, I mean what does a spy camera even look like? No idea. Better close the window too, umm, maybe outdoor cameras are looking in.
Don’t do it. There are no cameras, your colleague is a douche of the highest level, and you must not listen to them.
10. Shower Interrupters.
The single most dangerous hazard, manipulating you to make you think they must come into the room for something important.
This causes you to panic, feel flustered and can resort in such things as rushing. Rushing in a small wet place with a slippery floor is a terrible idea. It could resort in you slipping, skidding across the floor and accidentally pressing your boob onto the frosted glass. Frosted glass is no longer frosted when something is placed directly onto it. On the contrary, surprisingly clear. Be careful out there. Don’t let them distract you.