CATS LIFE HUMOUR SATIRE
And how to maintain your acclaimed title.
I arrived at work today, just like any other ordinary day, on my bicycle. I stopped my activity tracker, paused my music, dismounted my trusty steed, yawned, stretched, and wheeled her to the stairs ready for my ascent. What happened next was most unexpected. The cheery security guard waved at me, as he does every day, but then instead of his usual greeting of ‘morning, morning, xin chào’ he did something rather unusual.
He meowed at me.
It took me a few seconds to register what had just happened, I mean it was 6:30 am, and I was still not fully awake, but as I stood there trying to process it, he did it again. He meowed. Once I had established correctly, that it was most definitely a meow I reciprocated accordingly.
If there were any doubts at all about the authenticity of my title, this meowing security guard promptly silenced the sceptics.
So I bet you are wondering; how do you know if you have made it? What are the traits that characterise the owner of this notoriously acclaimed vocation? What do I need to do in the pursuit of reaching this elite club?
Well, I have broken several fundamental criteria down here as a simple 10 point checklist to take you from zero to hero in a few easy steps.
Shall we begin?
Mad Cat Human Identifying Checklist.
1. Does everyone at your work (friends work, partners work), in your social groups, your gym, doctors, dentist, takeaway, supermarket, petrol station, security officers that patrol your compound and so on know YOU are the cat person?
2. When there is any kind of cat-related issue, will it always find it’s way to you so you can provide the proper guidance?
3. Have you converted your house into a magical play paradise with such care and mastery that you scoff at the inferior examples you see on Pinterest?
4. Is your TV permanently set to relaxing videos for cats, which you leave on if your babies are without you for any length of time?
5. Have you donated your retired iPad to your fur babies to ensure they keep mentally engaged and stimulated in this digital age?
6. Do at least 50% of your T-shirt’s feature cats/things about cats?
7. Do you pay someone else to cook fresh food for your little darlings?
(When you don’t have time to do it yourself)
8. Do you use a pet sitting service if you have to go away?
(you can’t bear the thought of putting your babies into boarding care)
9. Are you the first person to sign up for anything that involves meeting new cats?
10. Do you tolerate all sorts of bizarre passive-aggressive noisy destructive behaviour, sleepless nights, extreme allergies, awful smells and poopy because they are your children and you love them?
How many cats do you feed? Please award yourself 1 point for each cat.
(they don’t have to belong to you per se. It’s the feeding that counts)
THE SCORES — How did you do?
Time to tot up your score.
For all the questions you answered yes to you get 1 point!
There is no doubt you are a feline-loving human. With a little time and dedication, you too can join the exclusive ranks of the mad cat human elite.
Come on now, the title is beckoning, just remember she/he is your child, not your pet. You can do it, buy that diamond collar, invest in that miniature porcelain dinner set I BELIEVE IN YOU!
So close — you are straddling that dividing line between animal lover and mad cat-human. Did you remember to paint Trixie’s claws? Noone likes a naked claw. Is that lacquer vegan and cruelty-free? Good work there.
10 or more Points
Guess what? You made it!
You are one of us, the chosen few; this club is not open to just anyone. Only the best are accepted, the aristocracy of the feline companion, prime kitterati, cream of the crop, come on up human, the gates of mad cat Shangri-la are calling, and you have been given the key!
Help I didn’t make it/I fell from grace!
Have no fear, we know it can be hard, there are some things that you might have fallen down on, things that you let slip; don’t panic — we are here to help fix that with some fast, easy ways to solidify your commitment to the cause!
A) Teach your cat/s to walk on a leash (2 points)
You will need to purchase/make a special harness — attach a lead and let the training commence. I would suggest combining the exercise with the introduction of cat treats for blackmailing purposes. Please note; there can be a tendency for your trainee to play dead once said leash is attached around their midsection. Dragging the cat by the leash is not acceptable and should be avoided at all costs.
B) Teach your cat/s to do tricks (2 points)
I don’t mean jumping through a flaming hula loop, but it is possible to teach cats important skills such as high 5’s, sitting, staying and fetching. You will almost certainly need more treats for blackmailing, and a clicker can be a helpful tool when training commands. If you can get your cat to associate ‘a click’ with a treat, then they will be putty in your hands…
C) Build a catio (3 points)
I mean you have all that extra space, right? Why not use it for the most important feline person/persons in your life so they can have a lovely run around? Who needs a garden anyway, so overrated.
D) Set up social media for your babies (5 points)
Yep, that’s right, Instagram, Twitter, YouTube, you name it. You want to go full mad cat-person, this one is going to fast track you right up there with the elite!
E) Prepare a kitty Will (10 points)
All the best kitty parents do this. Look at Karl Lagerfeld, who left his entire estate to Choupette his beloved cat (Choupette also has multiple social media accounts). If there is one thing we can take from the late great Mr Lagerfeld is that he knew a thing or two about trends! In all seriousness, I strongly advise to do this as a precautionary measure; you want to make sure they can continue to live their best life in your absence.
So there you have it, my friends, everything you need to help you on your journey. Use this guide to elevate you to the superiority you deserve; we look forward to you joining us in this elite movement, and together we can celebrate our special love for our feline companions.
More satire, featuring pictures of cats by the same author here:
More neurotic behaviour and general idiocy here: