Dear Enthusiastic Bum Gun User

An open letter.

Original post here:

Illustration by author

I have some complaints, observations, and unresolved questions.

Please let the following issues be noted:

  • Sometimes I am unprepared for this unpleasant experience, I can’t always see all of the water, and it can end in extreme sogginess.
  • My shoes are not appropriate for wading through the puddles all over the floor.
  • I dislike thinking about what the puddles may or may not contain.
  • It is a very wasteful use of water.
  • I am confused by the inaccuracy of your aim.
  • The bum gun is a precision device. Please stop making this mess.

My questions are the following:

How have you managed to spray the mirror that is for your face?

Where is your bum hole actually situated?

Are you an upside-down person? 
I know they exist, I have seen documentaries.

Is your mouth in fact your anus? 
This could go some way to explain the mess on the face mirror.

I watch you take your toothbrush in there; do you have tiny teeth in your botty hole?

Now I feel conflicted.

Having an anus as a mouth, and a mouth as a botty hole must be a complex and somewhat debilitating situation which could indeed cause some difficult bum gun aiming.

Perhaps you need a sponsor, someone to assist with the botty teeth cleaning procedure? I am not volunteering.

What a minty fresh botty you must have.

But the mouth anus, surely I would have noticed this affliction?


The inner workings of my mind after another incident involving extreme bum gun enthusiasm, where I have left the bathroom feeling violated, soaking wet and upset by this ongoing situation, I felt it was necessary to write this letter. Thank you for considering my comments.

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